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news.ftl

news.ftl 6.4 KB
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  1. news-dataset-1 = Tree stuck in tajaran; firefighters baffled.
    2. 

  2. news-dataset-2 = Armadillos want aardvarks removed from dictionary claims 'here first'.
    3. 

  3. news-dataset-3 = Angel found dancing on pinhead ordered to stop; cited for public nuisance.
    4. 

  4. news-dataset-4 = Letters claim they are better than number; 'Always have been'.
    5. 

  5. news-dataset-5 = Pens proclaim pencils obsolete, 'lead is dead'.
    6. 

  6. news-dataset-6 = Rock and paper sues scissors for discrimination.
    7. 

  7. news-dataset-7 = Steak tell-all book reveals he never liked sitting by potato.
    8. 

  8. news-dataset-8 = Woodchuck stops counting how many times he’s chucked 'Never again'.
    9. 

  9. news-dataset-9 = 'Here kitty kitty' no longer preferred tajaran retrieval technique.
    10. 

  10. news-dataset-10 = Man travels 7000 light years to retrieve lost hankie, 'It was my favourite'.
    11. 

  11. news-dataset-11 = New bowling lane that shoots mini-meteors at bowlers very popular.
    12. 

  12. news-dataset-12 = Skrell marries computer; wedding attended by 100 modems.
    13. 

  13. news-dataset-13 = Chef reports successfully using harmonica as cheese grater.
    14. 

  14. news-dataset-14 = Nanotrasen invents handkerchief that says 'Bless you' after sneeze.
    15. 

  15. news-dataset-15 = Clone accused of posing for other clones’s school photo.
    16. 

  16. news-dataset-16 = Clone accused of stealing other clones’s employee of the month award.
    17. 

  17. news-dataset-17 = Woman robs station with hair dryer; crewmen love new style.
    18. 

  18. news-dataset-18 = This space for rent.
    19. 

  19. news-dataset-19 = Skrell Scientist Discovers Abacus Can Be Used To Dry Towels
    20. 

  20. news-dataset-20 = Survey: 'Cheese Louise' Voted Best Pizza Restaurant In Tau Ceti
    21. 

  21. news-dataset-21 = Swamp Gas Verified To Be Exhalations Of Stars--Movie Stars--Long Passed
    22. 

  22. news-dataset-22 = Tainted Broccoli Weapon Of Choice For Syndicate Assassins
    23. 

  23. news-dataset-23 = Chefs Find Broccoli Effective Tool For Cutting Cheese
    24. 

  24. news-dataset-24 = Broccoli Found To Cause Grumpiness In Monkeys
    25. 

  25. news-dataset-25 = Giant Hairball Has Perfect Grammar But Rolls rr's Too Much, Linguists Say
    26. 

  26. news-dataset-26 = Gibson Gazette Updates Frequently Absurd, Poll Indicates
    27. 

  27. news-dataset-27 = Taj Demand Longer Breaks, Cleaner Litter, Slower Mice
    28. 

  28. news-dataset-28 = Survey: 3 Out Of 5 Skrell Loathe Modern Art
    29. 

  29. news-dataset-29 = Skrell Scientist Discovers Gravity While Falling Down Stairs
    30. 

  30. news-dataset-30 = Humans Everywhere Agree: Purring Tajarans Are Happy Tajarans
    31. 

  31. news-dataset-31 = From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: One Word In This Gazette Is Sdrawkcab
    32. 

  32. news-dataset-32 = From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: It's Hard To Have Too Much Shelf Space
    33. 

  33. news-dataset-33 = From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Wine And Friendships Get Better With Age
    34. 

  34. news-dataset-34 = From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: The Insides Of Golf Balls Are Mostly Rubber Bands
    35. 

  35. news-dataset-35 = From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: You Don't Have To Fool All The People, Just The Right Ones
    36. 

  36. news-dataset-36 = From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: If You Made The Mess, You Clean It Up
    37. 

  37. news-dataset-37 = From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: It Is Easier To Get Forgiveness Than Permission
    38. 

  38. news-dataset-38 = From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Check Your Facts Before Making A Fool Of Yourself
    39. 

  39. news-dataset-39 = From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: You Can't Outwait A Bureaucracy
    40. 

  40. news-dataset-40 = From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: It's Better To Yield Right Of Way Than To Demand It
    41. 

  41. news-dataset-41 = From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: A Person Who Likes Cats Can't Be All Bad
    42. 

  42. news-dataset-42 = From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Help Is The Sunny Side Of Control
    43. 

  43. news-dataset-43 = From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Two Points Determine A Straight Line
    44. 

  44. news-dataset-44 = From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Reading Improves The Mind And Lifts The Spirit
    45. 

  45. news-dataset-45 = From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Better To Aim High And Miss Then To Aim Low And Hit
    46. 

  46. news-dataset-46 = From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Meteors Often Strike The Same Place More Than Once
    47. 

  47. news-dataset-47 = Tommy B. Saif Sez: Look Both Ways Before Boarding The Shuttle
    48. 

  48. news-dataset-48 = Tommy B. Saif Sez: Hold On; Sudden Stops Sometimes Necessary
    49. 

  49. news-dataset-49 = Tommy B. Saif Sez: Keep Fingers Away From Moving Panels
    50. 

  50. news-dataset-50 = Tommy B. Saif Sez: No Left Turn, Except Shuttles
    51. 

  51. news-dataset-51 = Tommy B. Saif Sez: Return Seats And Trays To Their Proper Upright Position
    52. 

  52. news-dataset-52 = Tommy B. Saif Sez: Eating And Drinking In Docking Bays Is Prohibited
    53. 

  53. news-dataset-53 = Tommy B. Saif Sez: Accept No Substitutes, And Don't Be Fooled By Imitations
    54. 

  54. news-dataset-54 = Tommy B. Saif Sez: Do Not Remove This Tag Under Penalty Of Law
    55. 

  55. news-dataset-55 = Tommy B. Saif Sez: Always Mix Thoroughly When So Instructed
    56. 

  56. news-dataset-56 = Tommy B. Saif Sez: Try To Keep Six Month's Expenses In Reserve
    57. 

  57. news-dataset-57 = Tommy B. Saif Sez: Change Not Given Without Purchase
    58. 

  58. news-dataset-58 = Tommy B. Saif Sez: If You Break It, You Buy It
    59. 

  59. news-dataset-59 = Tommy B. Saif Sez: Reservations Must Be Cancelled 48 Hours Prior To Event To Obtain Refund
    60. 

  60. news-dataset-60 = Doughnuts: Is There Anything They Can't Do
    61. 

  61. news-dataset-61 = If Tin Whistles Are Made Of Tin, What Do They Make Foghorns Out Of?
    62. 

  62. news-dataset-62 = Broccoli discovered to be colonies of tiny aliens with murder on their minds
    63. 

  63. 

  64. ## Commented
    65. 

  65. # {{AFFECTED}} clerk first person able to pronounce '@*$%!'.
    66. 

  66. # {{AFFECTED}} delis serving boiled paperback dictionaries, 'Adjectives chewy' customers declare.
    67. 

  67. # {{AFFECTED}} weather deemed 'boring'; meteors and rad storms to be imported.
    68. 

  68. # Most {{AFFECTED}} security officers prefer cream over sugar.
    69. 

  69. # Palindrome speakers conference in {{AFFECTED}}; 'Wow!' says Otto.
    70. 

  70. # Question mark worshipped as deity by ancient {{AFFECTED}} dwellers.
    71. 

  71. # Spilled milk causes whole {{AFFECTED}} populace to cry.
    72. 

  72. # World largest carp patty at display on {{AFFECTED}}.
    73. 

  73. # Guy gets tattoo of Tau Ceti on chest '[pick(CentCom,star,starship,asteroid)] tickles most'.
    74. 

  74. # {{AFFECTED}} Baker Wins Pickled Crumpet Toss Three Years Running
    75. 

  75. # I Was Framed, jokes {{AFFECTED}} artist
    76. 

  76. # Mysterious Loud Rumbling Noises In {{AFFECTED}} Found To Be Mysterious Loud Rumblings
    77. 

  77. # Alien ambassador becomes lost on {{AFFECTED}}, refuses to ask for directions
    78. 

  78. # Survey: 80% Of People on {{AFFECTED}} Love Clog-Dancing
    79. 

  79. # {{AFFECTED}} Phonebooks Print All Wrong Numbers; Results In 15 New Marriages
    80. 

  80. # Tajaran Burglar Spotted on {{AFFECTED}}, Mistaken For Dalmatian
    81. 

  81. # Esoteric Verbosity Culminates In Communicative Ennui, {{AFFECTED}} Academics Note
    82. 

  82. # Boy Saves Tajaran From Tree on {{AFFECTED}}, Thousands Cheer
    83. 

  83. # Shipment Of Apples Overturns, {{AFFECTED}} Diner Offers Applesauce Special
    84. 

  84. # Spotted Owl Spotted on {{AFFECTED}}
    85.